Randy's A Team

Welcome to the new look World of Hate. I've started to build up a team of like minded hatesters to join me in mocking the world. As it's an election year I've recruited a political expert to help cover the big election news. That's right A Dose of Dick star James Leopold Dense has joined us here at World of Hate to present his Political Poop Shoot. I'm also joined by former US President George W. Bush who's going to fill us in on what he's been up to since he left office. And finally we're officially entering into competition with 118 with our own question answering service which unlike the conning bastards at 118.com we won't be charging anything. To man our question service we've got the smartest man I know, my grandpa, Maurice Badger. So if you have a question you want answered e-mail me at randybadger@hotmail.co.uk. This week grandpa answers how you can tell if your child is a midget. There's also more of Randy's Retards, Randy's Rant and an all new zombie based feature. Enjoy the hate.



1. David Cameron



Yes this smug, testicle sniffing, dildo faced knob jockey really is a fucking retard. I seriously hate this fucking posh twat. Do we really want this smug cunt running the country? I don't think so.

2. Volcano


Gay ass volcanos, planes not flying. Yeah I really don't give a shit but the CoMH big bossman says I have to keep it topical.

3. Heston Blumenthal



Heston to rhyme with cunt. What a fucking cock. I don't give a shit if he can cook a monkey scrotum with human feces then get Dale Winton to eat it and enjoy it he's a fucking dick. He also looks like a testicle with a crudely drawn face on it.

4. Muslim Extremists



Normally I wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot barge pole. But when the right to free speech is being surpressed because of Muslim Extremists then I have to speak out. There are many people who would stop me using my right to free speech infact the boys at S.C.R.O.T.U.M. have tried to take legal action against me 47 times but in this country we're allowed to say what the fuck like. There has been a recent incident where a popular TV show had an episode pulled because of refrences to the muslim prophet. There were death threats and that is seriously wrong. This wasn't an attack on Islam and I think it's bang out of order to threaten TV writers with death when David Cameron is still alive. If you need to kill someone kill him.


Dear Randy,
I like masturbating alot. I can't stop it. I do it everyday. I'm thinking of cutting off my penis? What should I do?
Phil, aged 12, Ohio

Randy's reply:
Cut it off. Only answer. Masturbation is the devil's work.

Dear Randy,

I met a man at a club and as we were leaving, an old guy tried to grab my arse and so my man thumped him in the gob. I was so turned on by his readiness to protect me that I went back with him.

As I undressed him I said "Nice body!" and he thought I was referring to the corpse he'd hidden in his closet, and so he brought it out to show me, with pride!

Admittedly that is the point where I should have gone home, but I was impressed by his openness and a little turned on by the bad guy factor. So I stayed.

The next day I realised with horror, that my failure to leave when the corpse came out, may have given him the idea that murdering people is OK. Is there a perfect text that will let him know that killing is wrong, without jeopardising my chances of a second date?

Rachel, aged 19, Birmingham

Randy's reply:

Depends who he killed. Killing is ok in certain circumstances. So if you accidentally ran over Jordan 4 or 5 times you'd probably get a medal rather than a custodial sentence. Or you could just have sex with a good guy to balance things out, like Jesus or the Pope.

Dear Randy,

Last weekend I told my best friend a secret. I told her that I once used a cucumber to see what sex is like with a boy.

However when I got to school on Monday morning all of the girls in my tutor group were eating cucumbers and sniggering. At break time a boy asked me if I wanted to practice on something less green and at lunch time another boy asked if I kept the shrink-wrap on or went bareback.

Do you think there's any chance that my best friend can't be trusted?

Keira aged 15, Somerset

HEATHEN! The cucumber is the devil's vegetable. And no your best friend can't be trusted.

Dear Randy,

This is 29 Oral Way. And this is Erica - the girlfriend who leads an exciting double life. For when Erica administers a blowjob, an amazing transformation occurs!

Yes, my boyfriend's semen gives me super powers! Whenever he cums in my mouth, or in fact anywhere, I become invisible! I know this because he falls straight to sleep without cuddling me, whispering sweet nothings to me, or in fact acknowledging mu existence at all.

The special powers wear off over the night and when I feel his boner digging into my back the next morning, I know I'm visible again.

Do all men have magic sperm, or is it just my man?

Erica, aged 19, Avon

Randy's reply:
Oh I see what you're doing. You're trying to be funny during my very serious agony aunt column. Very witty you fucking cunt. If I ever find you I will destroy you.

What the fuck is it with hexagonal Smarties tubes? They aren't fucking hexagons so what's the need for a fucking hexagonal tube? Back when I was a kid we had a circular tube for our circular Smarties. Yeah the good old days, when after eating your Smarties you could use the tube as a missile launcher and pop the plastic lid out of the tube taking your younger brother's eye out. Now we have a fucking hexagon without a lid. What the hell is wrong with the world today?



This is my grandpa Maurice, he's here to answer all your questions. This week Mark from Sheffield asks "How can you tell if your child is a midget?"

Grandpa's answer:
If he small. If the kid is a short guy he probably a midget. Like 2foot, that midget small.



James Leopold Dense has a joint degree in political studies and colouring in. James enjoys examing his poo. His own and those of people he meets.


David Cameron is a dog poo, I hate him. Gordon Brown is a scary troll. I don't like him. Nick Clegg is as cool as my red wax crayon.

This week in David Cameron's Poo: His own face, because his head is so far up his own arse that he just keeps shitting out his own face.




Yeah I've been eating pretzels. Every day since I left the White House.

#1 Andre The Giant

Am I the only one that would like to see Andre the Giant rise from the grave?

Dear Randy #2

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Dear Randy in which I solve all your problems. If you have a problem that needs solving e-mail me at randybadger@hotmail.co.uk.

Dear Randy,
i have been thinking about sex and i am scared. will something happen to my penus if i lose my virginity. will it hurt
Complete retard, aged 13, Liverpool

Randy's reply:
Well if you're going to have sex make sure your sterilised first because your spelling is just terrible and your kids are likely to be idiots to. And yes something will happen to your "penus" if you lose your virginity because the devil will rip it off as sex is the devil's game!

Dear Randy,

i have a friend that i have sex with from time to time and i think his getting feelings for me. his friends say he dont like you like that he just using you, but when me and him get together i dont feel that, i feel like hes catching feelings for me.

he loves to be around me, not just to have sex, but chill go places he even went down on me for the first time . i always wanted him to but he never would, then one day well a whole year later he did it and i was shocked.i havent told him i have feelings for him because its hard for me to tell ppl how i feel, so do anybody think im right?
slagbag, aged 17, Leeds

Randy's reply:
Well you certainly are like a disease that he keeps catching. He isn't developing feelings for you he's using you because you let him. I was the same at that age, I used a chick for sex for months, only stopped because I found out she was my biological mother. Anyway the point is men like sex and like girls that give it away for free. He'll ditch you as soon as he finds a less easy and more attractive girl. Once again I highly recommend sterilisation.

Dear Randy,
This is very embarassing to ask but I really need some advice. My boyfriend and I were having sex. We've only done it a few times before so we're fairly new to this but for some reason he couldn't get in me for a long time. Or as soon as he got close or i'd move my hand, he'd slip back out. He isn't smLl or anything like that so we're both very confused because although this is the second time this has happened to us, we've also had sex successfully. Do you know what the problem could be? Please help us.
Another teenage whore, 19, Essex

Randy's reply:
Are you sure your putting his penis in the write place? Is he actually a boy? Are you actually a girl? Sounds like your too thick to have sex this is probably a good thing. You know what I'm going to recommend. Both of you need to be sterilised.

Dear Randy,
How to know if you are a vergin? A guy 1 night tried to have sex with me, he had not penatrate or go inside. It hurt, i told him to get off. i have a hymen, it did not bleed. i have had oral. i tried anal but it was to painful for both of us. where do you stand on virginity?
Any which way but loose, aged 15, Stoke

Randy's reply:
Well I'm pretty sure you've had enough cock to no longer be considered anything near a virgin. Your well on your way to being the biggest whore in the world. You keep trying girl you'll get there in the end.

Dear Randy,
Hey :) well im 17. Iv just started triming then shaving my vagina. It always feel a lil ichy an gets kinda red. Will that stop hapening once i get used to it and do it more? I heard geting it waxed is best but i really dont want any one doing that to me. So all i can do is shave. Also is there any thing that will help it not be feel so bad afterwords? Thanks for any advise.
fuzzy peach, 17, London

Randy's reply:
HEATHEN! You are in the service of the beast of hell. God loves bush and you must maintain the lady garden your creator demands!

Dear Randy #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of my agony aunt column. Each time I'll try and solve the problems that you dear readers send to me.

Dear Randy,

Im 14 years old. And im pregnant. Allow me to explain what happened.
It was mine and my boyfriend 6 month anniversary. He had decided to take
me out for dinner and a movie then a stroll through the park. I had told my mum i was seeing him but i had said that i was sleeping round at a friends house
when i was really staying at his …

I had a wonderful time and whilst strolling around the park wearing his jacket,
snuggled up in his arms, looking up at the beautiful starry night – i realised i
loved him. He beat me to saying it – he took my hands and told me he had never
felt this way about anyone ever before etc. then he said “i love you”. I was so
happy. I immediatley told him i loved him too and we kissed under the stars. We
stumbled, kissing madly as we went, back to his (his parents were out). We fell
on to his bed. We tore our clothes off each other leaving bras and underwear
lying all over his floor. We kissed and touched and then he stopped.
We got a condom from his sisters drawer and before you knew it … bye bye
virginity!

Three months later and i have missed three periods. He was there when i took a
pregnancy test and knows we’re having a baby but hes not worried. im terrified.
I think i want to have it but i dont know what to do. I dont know how to tell my
mum. Abortion is out of the question, adoption is also a no no! I think i want
to have it but i just dont know how to tell my mum.

Scared & Confused, aged 14, UK

Randy's reply:

Well this is a common problem these days and as I see it there is only one real solution. Build a fucking time machine and go back in time and steralize your parents. Or in your case maybe your grandparents because your mum is quite clearly a retard for not realising you were going to be staying with your boyfriend. Any parents that read this: assume your kids are having sex and do whatever you can to stop them. My dad tried to cut off my penis and I was incredibly greatful and fully intend to do the same with my kids when my wife finally leaves me on my own with them. Anyway I digress back to your problem. You are 14 and an idiot you can't have a baby, you don't have a job and your thick, your child will be thick and the cycle will continue if you don't put a stop to it. Consider the abortion or perhaps suicide, or to make sure the problem is completely sorted, murder suicide with your boyfriend. Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

the other day i snogged this boy loads of times, but he has a girlfriend, i
really like this boy and i thought he liked me cos of what happened but i’m not
to sure anymore.

he told his mate that i’m a really good kisser though, but i don’t know what to do?

Easy girl, aged 15, Manchester

Randy's reply:

Stop being a slag perhaps? Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

Our school is organising a prom for our year, and there is a girl who I would
particularly like to take as adate. She recently broke up with her old
boyfriend, but there seems to be someone else who has his eye on her 0 should I
rush in to ask her before he does, or should I wait and see how it plays out,
because the Prom is not for a while.

I don’t want to be turned down, because that would shatter my confidence, but I don’t want to leave it too late and miss an opportunity and have her thinking i’m not interested. Some advice would be great

Mitch, aged 16, Stockport

Randy's reply:

How about getting a passport and fucking off to America? A prom? What the hell is it with this gayness? They're called fucking discos over here and they're shit. Get yourself an Xbox and Call of Duty it'll be slightly less shit.

Dear Randy,

I’m 18, and I have a huge crush on this guy 3 years older to me.

I presume its perfectly normal for a teenager like me to have crushes, but here’s the weird thing-I don’t even know why!! Seriously, I mean, the guy doesn’t share any of my interests, doesn’t bother to even listen to my ideas, let alone respect them, isn’t aware of my very existence, and oh yeah, he has a girlfriend.

My friends have tried everything to help me, but I’m really hung up on him.I think about him every minute and fantasise that we end up together. I’m truly disgusted with myself, and my performance in class is affected because of this. I don’t know what to do. Please help me get over him!!!!!!!

Pathetic and desperate, aged 18, Leeds

Randy's reply:

Get a vibrator and quit your whining. Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

im 15 and im 19 weeks pregnant.

My parents know but they are extremley mad at me and they said once the baby is born they are going to kick me out. my boyfriend got ran over a few years ago so the baby has no father. i am so scared and i don’t know what to do when the baby is born.

i really want the baby. what should i do?

Mentally unstable, aged 15, Liverpool

Randy's reply:

Well I guess the obvious problem here is your 19 weeks pregnant and the baby's father has been dead years. That doesn't work but if you are pregnant read my reply to an earlier letter with a similar problem.

Let The Rant Begin

The following contains strong language that may offend some.

The views of Randolph Badger do not neccessarily represent the views of the CoMH.

Good day to you all Randy Badger here with my first proper entry here at my World of Hate. Apparently my views are too controversial for the core CoMH blog so they gave me my own blog to let me vent my anger at the world. Well I've only just started so I haven't had chance to recruit my own team so for now it's just me and what really pisses me off. Basically what's gonna happen is I have two sections Randy's Retards which is a bit like Dick's Pricks but without the nancy boy girly nice side of Dick's Picks and then there's Randy's Rant in which I really let rip with something that pisses me right off.


1. Adrian Chiles


The potato headed scrotum from the One Show really grates my fucking cheese. What the hell does this lopsided turd burger have to offer the world? I saw this prick talking to the director of that new movie Kick-Ass the other day. They were talking about how offensive this movie is 'cause it's got violence and a swearing child and what does this flaming nutsack say? I haven't seen it yet but I'm incredibly offended! Fuck off back to Greggs you pillock no one cares what you think. Tonight he was gushing over fucking hippies! He's a grade A wanker if you ask me.

2. Deafoes doing sign language on TV


So yeah I'm sat there in my underwear on a Sunday morning about to enjoy the Sunday omnibous of Hollyoaks when what do I see? That's right a deafo in the corner doing spassy hands which apparently deafies use to talk. They're not even in the corner properly, they shrink the picture down so the "signer" can stand in the corner yet they still manage to get in the way of what's going on. And I watch that bastards making his/her gestures and I'm sure they're just making it all up. Oh and if you're death don't watch TV read a book you dick.

3. James Corden


See last week's A Dose of Dick for details

This week: Self Service Checkouts

So basically you've created a machine that makes me do the job you paid some dumbass school drop out minimum wage to do before? I don't get paid for this but that former cashier is now paid to sit there and watch me do their job? Seriously what the fuck? I enjoy people who are thicker than me working as my slaves. I don't like having the tables turned on me fucko. I don't wanna serve myself that's what the stupid are for. Now sort it out.

Next time I'll have more rantastic goodies for you as I turn my hand to being an agony aunt. TTFN.

Welcome To My World of Hate

Hi my name's Randy Badger and this is my world of hate. After my hugely popular work on A Dose of Dick the CoMH have offered me my own blog. So if you enjoyed my angry rants about completely pointless things then you're gonna love my world of hate.